i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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