Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
