i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
