THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
