I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize