Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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