cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
