I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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