Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
