Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
