Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
