btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
