i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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