Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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