ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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