Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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