I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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