Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
one two three fourrrrnication!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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