I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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