We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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