idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i permit you to call me
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
