I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
