My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Randomize
