Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
tell me about the eggs
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
