I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
