If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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