May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
