He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
