im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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