He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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