I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
