Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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