You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
