Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
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