I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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