He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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