evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
