eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
