capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
