it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im holly from the hills drunk
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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