That's when you crack a 10am beer
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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