She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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