fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
