i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
