Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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