I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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