1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
