Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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