mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
