Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
