im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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