i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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