I need help removing her.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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