Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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