and you said cock pushups were impossible
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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