I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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