i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
