Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
