Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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