I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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